Stage Two: Emotions

Feelings of depression and unpredictable anger today.

I am roughly packed and ready to move to Toronto tomorrow. I know that deep down I am ready for this. I've lived away from home for a year now so that's no big deal. I can handle the independence quite well, I think. Yet, I have to say - I think I can honestly admit, I have never felt this lost in my entire life.

Where am I really right now and what am I doing? I don't have an answer to either of those questions. I don't really live at home any more, I don't really live in Toronto right now. So where am I?? And what am I doing? I don't have a job, I don't have a script, I'm not making a film, I don't know anyone... What am I doing??

I have gotten tired of having the routine conversation with friends and family that I bump into. First they're surprised to hear I'm out of school after my one-year program, and that I am entering the big bad "real world" at age nineteen. Judgmental even? Perhaps. Then, they ask what I'm doing next. And I fumble over words and tell them I'm moving.

"So you have a job lined up?"

"Er no ... maybes. A bunch of maybes."

I knew this would happen. As I came to the end of my year at school, I knew I would be in this position. Still, the feelings of undeniable doubt, loneliness and uncertainty abound.

I guess I felt that when I made the big move across the country for film school that everything was going to fall into place! It was a much more exciting time than this, that's for sure. I was certain that I was moving away, only to return after I had made it big! Things were just going to happen!

And now, here I am. I've spent over a month and a half here at home. I've become a hermit in my bedroom, I've become cranky. It's clear that it's time for me to leave but to where and for what??

There's are all feelings that we need to go through in our lives, I know. It helps us grow, I get it.

But I can honestly say, my mental state is being challenged incredibly right now.

Who knows, maybe it will be better once I'm out there?

Time will only tell.