Confessions of an aspiring filmmaker

Have an awesome weekend!

2011-02-11T05:10:00.001-08:00

Goooooooooooooooooooooooodmornin' T.O!

Rock 'n' Roll everybody.

Just found out i'll be working on a feature this summer with an up-and-coming 20-year-old filmmaker. Rock on!! Can't say too much now but keep yer eyes peeled!! Haha

Have a super weekend. Stay positive. Stay Strong. Stay focused!

In over my head?

2011-02-10T12:42:00.000-08:00

I am at peace when I realize there is a bigger game at play than the one I am participating in...

It's the business aspect of it that kills me -- drains the soul. I want no part of it. Ever.

It's true. I may be in over my head. At times it feels that way. I wish to start on a clean slate, but everything appears to be so tangled right now, that it seems impossible. I do not like what this world does to me and at times, I want nothing to do with it. Instead, I have dreams of changing everything; creating and impact so large -- the world will never forget it.

The next few months are about training my mind and body -- but especially my mind. The time has come for me to face whatever I am going through head-to-head. Above all things I do, I must not lose faith. I must remember.

Careful meditation, physical training and mental education will be my tools over the next few months.

Strategy

2011-02-09T06:40:00.000-08:00

To quit or not to quit. It is all a game -- must figure out the best move at this point. I am deciding to go with it and ride it out. Fear of being blacklisted. Fear of failure. Fear of losing respect. All fear. No reality.

Hello again, bloggers!

2011-02-08T06:11:00.000-08:00

Whoo!

It's been awhile since I've been on here. A year to be exact. Why? Let's be honest, I was depressed. And I just didn't feel like updating you on my depression, as interestingly mundane as that may have been.

But I'm back! Back in action. Back at it and whhooooeee a whole lotta shit has happened since I've been away. And hopefully the same goes for you!

Not worth listing every tiny detail, but let's summarize: Life is good, life is cool and I'm rockin' it in the indy circle here, writing, directing, acting -- you name it!

Here's my little thought of the day:

It's important not to forget other people's visions, when focusing on your own. We must not forget other people's passion. At the end of the day, INSPIRE -- That's what it's all about, man!

At the end of the day, I must ask myself what it is I want to achieve and then fight for it and believe in it with every fiber of my being. Keep my torch lit, right?

Where there is a will, there IS a way, man. And sooner or later, we all find our way.

Rock on!

"All dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them?"

2010-02-07T19:02:00.000-08:00

Who said it?

Walt Disney.

And I'd like to think there have never been words more wise. The problem is that many people do not have the courage to really go for it. Disney also said, "If you can dream it, you can do it!" and so ... the only person stopping you is ... well, you!

I am moved in to my new home in Toronto. The room is quite nice. I can make it my own. It feels like I've been here years already. My roommates are nice, the two of them. Quite easy to talk to and get along with. At the very least, I have a pleasant home environment to go home to should I start to feel my sanity slipping.

On that note, I have burned numerous copies of my reel and short film - getting ready for whatever lies ahead and whoever I might bump into.

I also recently phoned up one of the producers from Degrassi: The Next Generation (Yay, teen drama!) Nice guy. I've talked to him twice already now, quite extensively and on our last chat he told me to phone him up once I got to Toronto. Said we'd go have a beer. Sounds like a plan!

Networking, networking, networking. That's where it's at right now! And I've gotta go out and hunt for it! I don't have school to do the networking for me anymore. I have to find it myself.

I plan on auditioning for a number of different plays and short films to indulge in the community as much as possible.

Not much to update at this point, but rest assured, it's going to be an interesting next little while. The blog should heat up with many interesting stories.

For now, I simply revel in the freedom of life's next chapter, open before me.

Stage Two: Emotions

2010-02-06T20:37:00.000-08:00

Feelings of depression and unpredictable anger today.

I am roughly packed and ready to move to Toronto tomorrow. I know that deep down I am ready for this. I've lived away from home for a year now so that's no big deal. I can handle the independence quite well, I think. Yet, I have to say - I think I can honestly admit, I have never felt this lost in my entire life.

Where am I really right now and what am I doing? I don't have an answer to either of those questions. I don't really live at home any more, I don't really live in Toronto right now. So where am I?? And what am I doing? I don't have a job, I don't have a script, I'm not making a film, I don't know anyone... What am I doing??

I have gotten tired of having the routine conversation with friends and family that I bump into. First they're surprised to hear I'm out of school after my one-year program, and that I am entering the big bad "real world" at age nineteen. Judgmental even? Perhaps. Then, they ask what I'm doing next. And I fumble over words and tell them I'm moving.

"So you have a job lined up?"

"Er no ... maybes. A bunch of maybes."

I knew this would happen. As I came to the end of my year at school, I knew I would be in this position. Still, the feelings of undeniable doubt, loneliness and uncertainty abound.

I guess I felt that when I made the big move across the country for film school that everything was going to fall into place! It was a much more exciting time than this, that's for sure. I was certain that I was moving away, only to return after I had made it big! Things were just going to happen!

And now, here I am. I've spent over a month and a half here at home. I've become a hermit in my bedroom, I've become cranky. It's clear that it's time for me to leave but to where and for what??

There's are all feelings that we need to go through in our lives, I know. It helps us grow, I get it.

But I can honestly say, my mental state is being challenged incredibly right now.

Who knows, maybe it will be better once I'm out there?

Time will only tell.

Day One - The adventure begins (as if it hasn't already started)

2010-02-05T10:15:00.001-08:00

So, I've started a blog. Never thought I would.

But I've found, in my aggressive search for answers, that there are a vast number of people out there (specifically on the web) that are in a similar, if not the exact same, position as me.

Film school grad.

Aspiring filmmaker.

New to a city.

Trying to make ends meet.

Completely unsure of what to do next.

Anything ring a bell?

It has been my dream to be a filmmaker since the age of five. Literally. I have never wanted anything else in my life, and the dream has only grown in intensity and passion over the years. Now, at age nineteen - fresh out of school and ready to face the world, I have found myself encountering doubt for the first time in my life. I realize now, that the biggest battles are not going to be fought between me and the studio executives. Rather, the challenges I will truly be tested by will be between me, myself and I. Doubt is a nasty thing. Especially in this industry. There's no room for it if you want to make it, and as I feel the pressure of it pressing down on me, I realize both how badly I want this - and how easy it would be to quit while I'm ahead.

It's been about five months now of daily phone-calls, emails, letters in the mail (I don't want to even think about how much I have probably sent on postage). I've talked to some really nice people on the phone, received some rather pleasant responses. But I still haven't gotten anywhere. Not where I want anyway.

How do we do it? How do we break into the industry.

I should take a moment to discuss that phrase as well.

See, I don't want to just SLIP into the industry (as I call it). Meaning, personally, I'd rather kick down a door and let the world no I'm here. BREAK IN.

Of course, that's everybody's dream. But it's negative to think like that. "Since everybody wants to do it, no sense in me even thinking about it, right?" Wrong! Where would be if we didn't dream big.

What I'm saying is, I wouldn't ever hesitate from taking a low-end job - even if it's getting coffee. I wouldn't even hesitate working for free for awhile if it means making connections and letting people know I can work hard. I don't mind working up the ladder. In fact, I know I'll probably have to. But that does not stop me from still dreaming big - still somehow trying to make my mark! Maybe it'll be a groundbreaking script I write?! Or maybe my little short film from film school will do well in the festival market! Who knows? It's happened before. And sometimes history repeats itself.

Bottom line is, at the moment, my biggest challenge is not the rejections or dead ends. Rather it is the doubt in my own mind, as I set out to make my dream a reality. Tapping in to that child-like faith is where my success will stem from.

I move to Toronto this weekend. It's the beginning of a whole new a chapter. The quest awaits. Where it will take me, I can no longer predict - and I don't want to. All I can do is accept, and go with the flow. And above all things, trust.

Trust.

Can anyone relate?